I just want to go to school.

There are two things I want to do before I have children. The first, travel abroad, probably won't happen and I'm okay with that. Hopefully I have a long life ahead of me and will have plenty of time to do those things, even after I have a kid.

The second, I'm determined to do. Only, everything stands in my way.


I just want to go to school. I want to learn a trade that I'm passionate about, or at least good at. I want to go to cosmetology school. I love making people feel good about themselves. I want the chance to do that every day. I know it will be stressful, I know it'll be hard on my body and my hands, I know it will be a lot of work. But it will be a lot of work that I want to do.

Presently I am on medication because of what I do to earn money. No, it isn't terribly hard, it's just NOT me at all. I hate it. I hate coming into this office every morning. I hate the people I work with. I hate the things I have to do. I hate the time, I hate the desk, I hate the psuedo-deadlines, I hate the corporate hell that I'm forced to walk into every day.

So I want to go to school. That's all. I'll do the rest. I'll work hard when I need to. I'll work harder than I need to. I just want the opportunity to do it. Happiness is something you decide, not something to achieve. I want to decide to be happy, but it seems like everything is standing in my way. Not enough money, can't afford to quit my job, no one would be willing to cosign for student loans. The only school I can afford has a waiting list. The others don't have night classes anyway.

It makes me want to quit... well pretty much everything. It makes me want to get so drunk I can't remember why I'm drinking in the first place. It makes me cry. It is a great source of depression to me that my one goal for my future is unattainable.

AND David had the chance to be enrolled in school this semester. And he won't do shit about it.

What the hell.

If you never say your name out loud to anyone...

...they can never ever call you by it .

Xmas was what it was. I spent a lot of time with family that superficially made me feel good, but to be honest, the aftermath is terrible. I spent way too much money on gifts, and now i'm broke. I have no money whatsoever. And what kind of joy did that bring me? None at all. None. In fact, I set myself up to be miserable for the next couple of months.

That said, it's over. Time to move on. Real life looms overhead like snow on the eves on a sunny winter morning. Time for me to get ready for the meltdown.

David an I talked this morning about how worried I am about Ariel and Andrew. It made me a little crazy, because the things he was suggesting (like I talk to my mom about it, or i should say this or that, or maybe i should try to talk to another family member) I have tried and I know they don't work.

What I can't say is that this is why I want my own kids. I want a chance to give them a real family. One that loves them and protects them from the kind of shit I went through. One that won't ignore obvious dangers because they're in denial about it.

There's nothing I can do about Ariel's situation. My mother won't listen to me.

So the only thing I feel like I could do to heal myself is to be a good mother. But I am in no position to do that. My hubby won't work. He doesn't want kids, i guess. At least not any time in the near future...

I can't talk about this anymore. It's making me crazy.

I don't even know why I started blogging in the first place.

Argh.

This year I want to start thinking about my New Years Resolutions early. There are so many goals I have that I want to accomplish, and I never actually take steps to do so. For 2009, let's get serious. I want to list a few different things, and my goal is to keep at least 3 resolutions to myself. Three aren't bad, right?

So, I'll start my list now.

• I will have a different career path by the end of this year. I will hopefully be in cosmetology school, but if not, I will at least be in a different direction.
  
• I will go to the library and study things that interest me. I will spend time on these things, and learn at least more than just the basics before moving on.
• I will make an effort to bring more structure and belief into my life. I will study religion and beliefs and develop my own structure with witch to live by.
• I will stretch every morning when I get up, and exercise at least 4 times a week.
• I will be quiet when my opinion clearly doesn't count. (Meaning that I will cut down on gossip until I eliminate it completely.)
• I will keep a journal. That's right. All year.
• I will express feelings and say things that need to be said (only to the people that need to hear them) even if it's slightly confrontational.
  
• I will save money and work towards my goal of being a mom.

Well, that's all I have for right now. I'll think of some more throughout the next 2 weeks and add to this list. I can't wait for 2009!

Wanna know a secret?

I'm slowly loosing it.

There are so many things on my mind. The medicine numbs most of them, but I know they're there and they're simmering just under the surface.

My maw is going to pass soon.

My husband hates my family.

My sister lives in a campground with a drug dealer.

My husband hasn't worked the bulk of the time we've been married.

We are in debt up to our eyeballs and he won't talk about saving money.

My grandmother knows my awful secret, and she said my Pawpaw knew too.

I have a bellydance show coming up and no one is as committed as I am.

I have to put a price on my show and I have no idea how to do that.

I have to write the actual show.

I can't focus at work again.

I'm taking medicine to numb the pain.

I can't go back to school... still.

I can't afford to buy a house, I can't afford to hope for a family.

I weigh too much, and I am unmotivated to work out.

My house looks like a complete mess.

I can't find my Ipod.

I spent too much on Christmas.

I hate the way I look.

My teeth are getting worse, and I can't afford to fix them.

I am starting to not care about sex.

I secretly hate my Mother and it hurts me to see my siblings.

I can't remember anything. Ever.

I need therapy.

My husband has something wrong with his prostate and won't go fix it.

I could get fired any day now.

I hate who I have become.

There. Now you know.