LEXAPRO DAY 3

Today has been better than the first few days this week. Well, as far as mental state and productivity are concerned. I still can't tell if it's the medicine, or I have just worked myself into this Zen state by believing the medicine will work (the mind is an amazing thing, you know). Part of me thinks that it must be the medication, because this week has been total shit at work and I have made it through with no panic attacks or outbursts to speak of. I have also gotten more done this week than I have in a long time. I have dealt with things level-headedly (i know that's not a word) and I haven't cried since Monday. I need to cry a lot, usually.

Yesterday I went home early from work because I was so incredibly tired and had a really bad migraine coming on. It's because I'd had next to no sleep the night before. So last night, after I'd gotten up from a long nap and taken some Excedrin Migraine, hubby took me to go get some Tylenol PM. I took that before laying down, and although I was incredibly restless before it set in, it did help me get through the night. Not that I didn't wake up just as much, the difference was that I was able to go back to sleep after a little while. I wasn't just there laying wide awake with too much energy. I don't want to have to depend on the Tylenol PM or anything else, but until my body gets used to the new medicine, I'll do it.

So who knows, maybe the medicine is helping. Today is the first day where I'm pretty sure I've been influenced by the medicine as far as my reactions go. I would normally have gotten angry or upset this morning. Instead, I just dealt with it, and did my work. Now if only my job would see that I am trying to make a change, maybe they'd lay off me for a bit.

*sigh* Time to go back to work...

LEXAPRO DAY 2

AM:
I didn't sleep hardly at all last night. I was up tossing and turning. I was just awake. It was horrible. Again, it's too early to tell if it's the medication, or if it was just a fluke, but whatever the reason, it was torture. David was up with me. It's hard to sleep next to someone who's tossing like a fish out of water, I'm sure. We tried to replicate our normal routine, and went back out to the couch to try to fall asleep again. It worked, sort of. We fell asleep, but it was only about an hour and a half before I woke up again and woke him up, because I was sore from sleeping so long in a weird position. It was about Five AM when we moved back to the bed, and it probably took us another good 30 minutes to fall back asleep. Of course, my alarm goes off at Six Am and I remember saying "You've got to be kidding me..." and turning the damn thing off. And so naturally, I was late. On top of that, I was called out in the staff meeting, and then discovered that like half of the work I did yesterday got deleted when I saved over it with something else. Great. Just fucking great. This medicine better work today, or I might just have a panic attack. Fuck. I'm just so very tired.

LEXAPRO DAY 1

Okay, so it's not officially Lexapro. It's like an off brand of the off brand. It's the generic form of Celexa. Citalopram, officially. And it's half of what they prescribed me for the panic disorder. The doc says that all the symptoms, the not being able to focus, remember things, the racing thoughts, the anxiety, blah blah blah are all about the panic disorder, and if we can just calm my mind down during the day, it should help. So here I am at work with a brand new shiny medicine bottle of Lexapro, and another one full of Xanax for when the panic attacks happen. So now the verdict is out.

I took my first one this morning, and I can't tell a difference. Sort of. I have been focused today and I have gotten a lot done. I have been level and my emotions have been in check. I have been sleepy, thirsty, and a little shaky for the first couple of hours after I took it, but who's to say all of that was from the medicine. They're not things that couldn't happen normally on any given day. So I think I shall record my process here (or try to, these sorts of declarations have never worked before) and see what really has changed.

For the time being, I can say that I find myself focused today. A little anxious and wary of the new meds, and incredibly sleepy.

Until tomorrow,
(hopefully)
Rach

Want to know a secret?

If I am ever blessed with a baby girl, her name will be

Kesha Michelle.

...and I love her already...

Edit: Recently, I have fallen in love with the name Suriyah, which also works with Michelle. Oh gods, how will i EVER choose? My luck, I'll get just what I've been wishing for and a boy. Then it won't be a big deal, now will it?
(David has said if we ever have a little boy, we'll name it Alexander. *squeal!*)