I'm drowning, now, oh I am. I have begun to think it best to give up. I have nightmares, and then the day shows itself to be uglier than those. I have little patience with living anymore. I want to run away. I always wanted to run. In my experience running leaves dust to settle, but then it's better. I'm sure that's not the truth. I'm sure my vision is skewed. I'm sure of nothing, who the fuck am I kidding?

I am here and there. I can't focus. I complain too much.

I medicate.

Wanna know a secret? I want to take a fucking bottle full of pills.

Some days i think of having children. Having kids would give my life purpose. Then I think... my children will hate me. They will. I'm too depressed, David's too unmotivated. They will hate us.

What brought this on? Nothing. Everything. Lunch. It's lunch time and i have to go into that awful place again in ten minutes. I am frantic, my mind racing. What if I puke, I think. Then I know it will not help. My hell will be waiting for me every day. Every fucking day. Maybe I should write a book, i think. A book about how much life sucks? Revolutionary Road did that.

Fuck.

I hate.