Tired Hate

Crawling under a rock
Never getting out of bed
Taking up hard drugs
destroying something.

This big lump of hate in my chest
spreading like a cancer through me
threatens to touch my fingers,
my toes,
my head.

There's no cure that I know.

Afraid. Bitter. Cold.
It lurks in the shadows of every passing minute
waking or sleep.

Traces of it hidden in everything I touch
or taste
or feel.

Accents hidden in every word.

Not a passionate hate.
Frozen.
Apathetic.

After years of black fire
burning slowly in my soul
only embers remain
glowing softly.

A tired hate.

Thursday

I've done this before,
this pretending.
Smiling when inside I'm screaming
Skipping when inside I'm falling.

Last time I thought the problem
was you. Uncaring
as you were when I cried
as you were when i bled.

Now perhaps the blame lies
with me. Unable
to be fast enough to thwart
to be strong enough to stop.

I'll do this again,
this pretending.
Going on until I slip,
bearing this until I die.

I am alone.



The things his return still can not fix
float
inside my mind
like clouds.
A background to the scene before me,
but not terribly
significant. Not unless
I let them anger
and the sky grows dark.

I can not let it rain today.

Nightmares

All I ever think about is Dying,
Whenever I stop thinking anymore,
In one way or another
That's much too far from brave.

The talking tried to keep it quiet,
swallowing it made me still,
but the soul only haunts me
when I can not turn away.

Kinsey Scale and Othier Things

So I took this test online, because I was reading about a controversy that was posed in ''The Intimate World of Abraham Lincoln'' (Free Press) recently by C.A. Tripp. He surmises "that Lincoln was a 5 (''predominately homosexual, but incidentally heterosexual'') on Kinsey's famous scale of sexual desire" (http://www.boston.com/news/globe/ideas/articles/2005/01/16/the_gay_lincoln_controversy/)

Anyway, I thought it might be interesting to see what I scored...

Klein Sexual Orientation Grid

I scored an average of 3.19

0

1

2

3

4

5

6

Heterosexual

Bisexual

Homosexual

Meaning

This result can also be related to the Kinsey Scale:


0 = exclusively heterosexual
1 = predominantly heterosexual, incidentally homosexual
2 = predominantly heterosexual, but more
than incidentally homosexual
3 = equally heterosexual and homosexual
4 = predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally
heterosexual
5 = predominantly homosexual, incidentally heterosexual
6 = exclusively homosexual

Summary

The idea of this excercise is to understand exactly how dynamic a person's sexual orientation can be, as well as how fluid it can be over a person's lifespan. While a person's number of actual homo/heterosexual encounters may be easy to categorize, their actual orientation may be completely different. Simple labels like "homosexual", "heterosexual", and "bisexual" need not be the only three options available to us.

The Multidimensional Scale of Sexuality

According to my answers, it is likely that I identify as
Heterosexual with some homosexuality
or equally,
Homosexual with some heterosexuality.

Complete set of results

Heterosexual with some homosexuality:		3
Homosexual with some heterosexuality:		3
Past homosexual, currently heterosexual:		2
Sequential bisexual:		2
Concurrent bisexual:		1
Homosexual:		1
Asexual:		0
Heterosexual:		0
Past heterosexual, currently homosexual:		0

Information

The Multidimensional Scale of Sexuality was devised by Larry Kurdek, B. Berkey and T. Perelman-Hall. It is an extension of the Klein Sexual Orientation Grid, recognising that sexual identities can change over time, people can identify with more than one sexual identity, and that asexuality is a valid sexual identity. The Multidimensional Scale of Sexuality was published in the "Journal of Homosexuality" in 1990.

Take the quiz

The Five Love Languages

My primary love language is probably
Physical Touch
with a secondary love language being
Quality Time.

Complete set of results

Physical Touch:		10
Quality Time:		8
Words of Affirmation:		8
Acts of Service:		4
Receiving Gifts:		0

Information

Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.

Take the quiz

New Years Break

This winter break has been incredible. Christmas was hectic, but not really at the same time. I spent way too much money last year and will be making up for it with my tax return. I worried a lot during Christmas, and got migraines for a few days. Was too uptight when I went back to work, understandably, because it was work. But then this New Years break has been wonderful.

First there was the New Years party. At first I thought it kinda sucked because there were a number of people that didn't show up, but I think I've decided that those that matter were here and that everyone else missed out.

Since then, I've just been relaxing. Edan and his girlfriend have been over a few times. We've been hanging out with Turtle and Kristen, of course. And I think David and I have gotten closer over this break. We've had whispered discussions in bed, we've talked a lot, we've gotten to spend a lot of time together. We've watched football, had good food (great steak :), partied a bit, cleaned a bit. And to tell you the truth, I really think we've gotten closer together watching our friends this season, as their situations change, because in a way it's got us appreciating all the good in each other.

It has been the first Holiday Season since I was in school that I have really felt like I had a Winter Break. I want to put this into writing because I hope I can look back on it and remember where I am right now. Who knows what this new year is to bring. There are a lot of different possibilities, but for now I'm content to be who I am and appreciate the things I have. Those are the qyalities I find I respect in myself, the things that make be happy to be me.


I have goals for the new year, but the other day I decided that it might just be equally as healthy to take a look back and think of all the things I did and accomplished in 2008.
I performed some more solo shows (at a restaurant!)
My Uncle got married to a great woman. (and i got a free car!?)
I played a noble for the first (and last) time. (But I did it.)
I took lots of beautiful pictures.
I camped in my PawPaw's land.
I made a few great friends

• Keely

• Juliette

I got closer to some old ones.
I got closer to my Dad than I have been since I lived at home.
I went to Dragon Con!!!!!!!!! (And performed a show there!)
I... well... I don't know if I can count that Kings Island trip. Um... oh hell why not...
I became a better dancer.
I was asked to put together a bellydance show for Ren Faire. (OMG!)
I have written lots of choreographies, made websites, gotten better at marketing.
My husband and I celebrated an AMAZING first anniversary. And we got closer in the process.
I painted my first painting, and it came out okay.
I got a beautiful dance space and sewing room (and my own closet!)

I just want to go to school.

There are two things I want to do before I have children. The first, travel abroad, probably won't happen and I'm okay with that. Hopefully I have a long life ahead of me and will have plenty of time to do those things, even after I have a kid.

The second, I'm determined to do. Only, everything stands in my way.


I just want to go to school. I want to learn a trade that I'm passionate about, or at least good at. I want to go to cosmetology school. I love making people feel good about themselves. I want the chance to do that every day. I know it will be stressful, I know it'll be hard on my body and my hands, I know it will be a lot of work. But it will be a lot of work that I want to do.

Presently I am on medication because of what I do to earn money. No, it isn't terribly hard, it's just NOT me at all. I hate it. I hate coming into this office every morning. I hate the people I work with. I hate the things I have to do. I hate the time, I hate the desk, I hate the psuedo-deadlines, I hate the corporate hell that I'm forced to walk into every day.

So I want to go to school. That's all. I'll do the rest. I'll work hard when I need to. I'll work harder than I need to. I just want the opportunity to do it. Happiness is something you decide, not something to achieve. I want to decide to be happy, but it seems like everything is standing in my way. Not enough money, can't afford to quit my job, no one would be willing to cosign for student loans. The only school I can afford has a waiting list. The others don't have night classes anyway.

It makes me want to quit... well pretty much everything. It makes me want to get so drunk I can't remember why I'm drinking in the first place. It makes me cry. It is a great source of depression to me that my one goal for my future is unattainable.

AND David had the chance to be enrolled in school this semester. And he won't do shit about it.

What the hell.

If you never say your name out loud to anyone...

...they can never ever call you by it .

Xmas was what it was. I spent a lot of time with family that superficially made me feel good, but to be honest, the aftermath is terrible. I spent way too much money on gifts, and now i'm broke. I have no money whatsoever. And what kind of joy did that bring me? None at all. None. In fact, I set myself up to be miserable for the next couple of months.

That said, it's over. Time to move on. Real life looms overhead like snow on the eves on a sunny winter morning. Time for me to get ready for the meltdown.

David an I talked this morning about how worried I am about Ariel and Andrew. It made me a little crazy, because the things he was suggesting (like I talk to my mom about it, or i should say this or that, or maybe i should try to talk to another family member) I have tried and I know they don't work.

What I can't say is that this is why I want my own kids. I want a chance to give them a real family. One that loves them and protects them from the kind of shit I went through. One that won't ignore obvious dangers because they're in denial about it.

There's nothing I can do about Ariel's situation. My mother won't listen to me.

So the only thing I feel like I could do to heal myself is to be a good mother. But I am in no position to do that. My hubby won't work. He doesn't want kids, i guess. At least not any time in the near future...

I can't talk about this anymore. It's making me crazy.

I don't even know why I started blogging in the first place.

Argh.