A poem for my Husband

06/01/08

Was inside too much today
Watching life through my windows
But not really seeing
Distracted
With rotten pieces of myself

Something must have happened
Just not exactly what
Like a scar on my body
Obvious
But only I know how it felt

And it will never go away
As much ointment as you are
It may be feint
Barely-there
But ever present

And you'll have to forgive me
If I need you so bad
Only you give me solace
Safety
In my stormy world

A list of complaints.

-A friend had to cancel on movie plans for tonight.

-I have the same headache as yesterday.

-I suck at blogging.

-I suck at my job.

-I am uninspired.

-I still have to do my taxes.

I feel a bit numb about it all, really. I just want some headache medicne...

Some things I needed to say.

anger
frustration
welling inside me
tears march to the front line
angels of the battlefield
preparing to release me
rallying against my demons
waiting for the word

hatred
destruction
a little black hole
growing bigger
when each passing thought
tumbles into the void
I loose pieces of me
you didn't even know were there

What was it she did?
Lady McBeth
to make it go away
out, out, damned spot

it only makes it worse
and i want to see him suffer

You turn the other cheek
I'll turn the barrel to his skull
You do unto others
I'll pull the trigger

It isn't ambition,
but Shouting didn't work.

I am sixteen again
I hate you for that.
Feeling helpless,
Consumed by rage.
I am just a girl...

I am in agony again.
They're talking
and laughing.
Shut up! It's not okay,
just because I'm one of many...

I am the center of no one's world.

Because I am not the center of mine.

He is.

I am at home alone today wishing i would have just made plans instead of planning to spend the day with my husband. He is off with Darin. Again.

Darin has to go.

Not because he is a bad house guest. He isn't.

It's because David would rather hang out with him than me. And that's not okay. We JUST got married, and I already feel lonely sometimes. He never goes out with me, he never goes out at all. So I only have home to be with him. And now I don't have that.

Just coming home nowadays makes me angry. Because I know he will be here with Darin already. Because I know I will be ignored.

2 weeks ago he had Darin make french toast for breakfast. He either didn't care or, more likely, didn't know that French Toast is one of the few things I can make all by myself. Yeah, sure, whatever. Darin can make it and it's okay. I haven't even had a chance to show him I can do it.

This morning he asked Darin to make breakfast after I had gone out and bought sweet rolls for us to have.

The other day we were relaxing together, alone for once, and he actually CALLED Darin to whine about his not being here.

Two days ago, we were sitting on the couch talking and Darin was going to leave us alone, but David called him in there to hang out.

He has yet to ask him weather or not he has a plan to get out or not.

I already know he's going to just get mad at me for asking him to get out, but I'm ready to stand my ground. I'm not happy. In fact, I'm fucking furious.

I'm fucking sick of it.

This is what I get for being nice. Not being selfish. This.

FUCK THIS.

Princess Valentine, here.

The best Valentine's Day i have ever had in my entire life just occured yesterday.

So, naturally, I'm inclined to gush...



I woke up and PC had made a special choclate coffee and sweet rolls with pink frosting. We ate together and he left a card and gift on the table. The card was so sweet, addressed to his wife and a message about his looking forward to our fiftieth Valentine's day together. It was loud, it plays "My Girl" when you open it, and at 5am it made me jump. It was silly and loving and everything he is all in this one card. Then more suprises, my gift was a wonderful set of makeup brushes, complete with their own carrying case, a big, really nice powder brush, and some expensive eyeliner. I loved it all- it was perfect.

Then later when I got home we had the nicest steak dinner and after dinner he suprised me with a pedicure. Not a cupon for one- but aREAL pedicure... complete with pumice stone, lotion, toe-nail painting, EVERYTHING! Of course, the toe-curling sex we had immediately following ruined the actual paint job, but the overall effect was still there- and my feet felt great. I felt great! It was the most loving, blissful V-day I have ever had! NO one has ever treated me that well. I sure do love that husband of mine. This may sound all detached because you're reading it in my blog- but he seriously made me feel like a queen. It was the sweetest thing in the world. I have no doubt in my mind that he loves me more than anything in the world. He is my everything. My day and night. My alpha and my omega. He heals me and brings out strength in me I didn't know I had. He makes me want to be a better person every day. I like who I am with him and I am so happy to know that I have a lifetime to continue growing with him. I can't wait until we're retired, cantankerous old people and we can just sit on the porch and bitch about the next generation all day long! I love that man...

Lauren Rescheduled

And so now I'm left with a night alone.
What to do...?
I called PC (prince charming) to tell him Lauren was not coming, and he was out buying my Valentine's day present. No, ladies, he didn't say that's what he was doing... but he wasn't at Lowe's...
Maybe that's what I should be doing.

Yeah.
I'll let you know how that turns out.......

Why do I like to hit 'enter' instead of 'space'???

What a crazy day.
Woke up to snow.
Upon arrival to work- found out I had 2 meetings immediately that I was unaware of.
Was late to everything.
The Nagina (my grandmother/land lord whom I'd just love to death if she doesn't nag me to death first...) calls while I'm at the Federal Building. Family is not doing well.
Lee Ann put the only time at work I enjoy in jeopardy in an unsolicited attempt to defend me.
I didn't eat lunch.
Again.

And what the fuck am i going to do for my hubby for valentines day!?

Oh geez.... I have a lot going on right now.

Tonight is belly dance practice with Lauren.
I think we'll try to revise Raks Bedeya to fit two people... who knows.
Maybe we will just fuck off like always.
*shrug*

This weekend is Faire auditions... and my brother's military ball.
My world is exploding!

At least I'm not bored...