LEXAPRO DAY 1

Okay, so it's not officially Lexapro. It's like an off brand of the off brand. It's the generic form of Celexa. Citalopram, officially. And it's half of what they prescribed me for the panic disorder. The doc says that all the symptoms, the not being able to focus, remember things, the racing thoughts, the anxiety, blah blah blah are all about the panic disorder, and if we can just calm my mind down during the day, it should help. So here I am at work with a brand new shiny medicine bottle of Lexapro, and another one full of Xanax for when the panic attacks happen. So now the verdict is out.

I took my first one this morning, and I can't tell a difference. Sort of. I have been focused today and I have gotten a lot done. I have been level and my emotions have been in check. I have been sleepy, thirsty, and a little shaky for the first couple of hours after I took it, but who's to say all of that was from the medicine. They're not things that couldn't happen normally on any given day. So I think I shall record my process here (or try to, these sorts of declarations have never worked before) and see what really has changed.

For the time being, I can say that I find myself focused today. A little anxious and wary of the new meds, and incredibly sleepy.

Until tomorrow,
(hopefully)
Rach

Want to know a secret?

If I am ever blessed with a baby girl, her name will be

Kesha Michelle.

...and I love her already...

Edit: Recently, I have fallen in love with the name Suriyah, which also works with Michelle. Oh gods, how will i EVER choose? My luck, I'll get just what I've been wishing for and a boy. Then it won't be a big deal, now will it?
(David has said if we ever have a little boy, we'll name it Alexander. *squeal!*)

Cubicle Hell

I am not cut out for the corporate world. It's just a fact. I'm just not. There are some of us, those who've always done as they're told, those who got straight A's in school, those who climb the social ladder with purpose...Those with type A personalities... those people who'll take a pill for everything... they're cut out for the world of filing and cubicles and deadlines. I am not.

Everything I was cut out for I missed. I didn't go to Broadway. I haven't moved to Orlando. I won't be relocating to New Orleans any time soon. I got married. I'm going to have babies. My husband and I have issues which I'll try to deal with on my own until we absolutely need therapy. I will struggle for money for the rest of my life and never be able to give my kids what they deserve. I will be average. Because I did not stick with the one thing I was great at, I will be average. Just like everyone else.

Fuck.

A poem for my Husband

06/01/08

Was inside too much today
Watching life through my windows
But not really seeing
Distracted
With rotten pieces of myself

Something must have happened
Just not exactly what
Like a scar on my body
Obvious
But only I know how it felt

And it will never go away
As much ointment as you are
It may be feint
Barely-there
But ever present

And you'll have to forgive me
If I need you so bad
Only you give me solace
Safety
In my stormy world

A list of complaints.

-A friend had to cancel on movie plans for tonight.

-I have the same headache as yesterday.

-I suck at blogging.

-I suck at my job.

-I am uninspired.

-I still have to do my taxes.

I feel a bit numb about it all, really. I just want some headache medicne...

Some things I needed to say.

anger
frustration
welling inside me
tears march to the front line
angels of the battlefield
preparing to release me
rallying against my demons
waiting for the word

hatred
destruction
a little black hole
growing bigger
when each passing thought
tumbles into the void
I loose pieces of me
you didn't even know were there

What was it she did?
Lady McBeth
to make it go away
out, out, damned spot

it only makes it worse
and i want to see him suffer

You turn the other cheek
I'll turn the barrel to his skull
You do unto others
I'll pull the trigger

It isn't ambition,
but Shouting didn't work.

I am sixteen again
I hate you for that.
Feeling helpless,
Consumed by rage.
I am just a girl...

I am in agony again.
They're talking
and laughing.
Shut up! It's not okay,
just because I'm one of many...

I am the center of no one's world.

Because I am not the center of mine.

He is.

I am at home alone today wishing i would have just made plans instead of planning to spend the day with my husband. He is off with Darin. Again.

Darin has to go.

Not because he is a bad house guest. He isn't.

It's because David would rather hang out with him than me. And that's not okay. We JUST got married, and I already feel lonely sometimes. He never goes out with me, he never goes out at all. So I only have home to be with him. And now I don't have that.

Just coming home nowadays makes me angry. Because I know he will be here with Darin already. Because I know I will be ignored.

2 weeks ago he had Darin make french toast for breakfast. He either didn't care or, more likely, didn't know that French Toast is one of the few things I can make all by myself. Yeah, sure, whatever. Darin can make it and it's okay. I haven't even had a chance to show him I can do it.

This morning he asked Darin to make breakfast after I had gone out and bought sweet rolls for us to have.

The other day we were relaxing together, alone for once, and he actually CALLED Darin to whine about his not being here.

Two days ago, we were sitting on the couch talking and Darin was going to leave us alone, but David called him in there to hang out.

He has yet to ask him weather or not he has a plan to get out or not.

I already know he's going to just get mad at me for asking him to get out, but I'm ready to stand my ground. I'm not happy. In fact, I'm fucking furious.

I'm fucking sick of it.

This is what I get for being nice. Not being selfish. This.

FUCK THIS.