Stuck.

blank again
so much to say
stuck inside
arms that shake
tilt your head
let it pour
but silence reigns
nothing more
ticking clock
eyes won't shut
until it's out
try to cut
into the vein
sharp and fresh
feel it flow
then nothing's left
close your eyes
have no fear
quiet, now
the end is here.

Today

Today I am here
in this place
where smiles come
naturally
and the world is a symphony
that moves me,
willingly
and in the darkness there is warmth
and the stars
remind me
to love who I am becoming
and the music
trills.

I am not alone.

I'm drowning, now, oh I am. I have begun to think it best to give up. I have nightmares, and then the day shows itself to be uglier than those. I have little patience with living anymore. I want to run away. I always wanted to run. In my experience running leaves dust to settle, but then it's better. I'm sure that's not the truth. I'm sure my vision is skewed. I'm sure of nothing, who the fuck am I kidding?

I am here and there. I can't focus. I complain too much.

I medicate.

Wanna know a secret? I want to take a fucking bottle full of pills.

Some days i think of having children. Having kids would give my life purpose. Then I think... my children will hate me. They will. I'm too depressed, David's too unmotivated. They will hate us.

What brought this on? Nothing. Everything. Lunch. It's lunch time and i have to go into that awful place again in ten minutes. I am frantic, my mind racing. What if I puke, I think. Then I know it will not help. My hell will be waiting for me every day. Every fucking day. Maybe I should write a book, i think. A book about how much life sucks? Revolutionary Road did that.

Fuck.

I hate.

Tired Hate

Crawling under a rock
Never getting out of bed
Taking up hard drugs
destroying something.

This big lump of hate in my chest
spreading like a cancer through me
threatens to touch my fingers,
my toes,
my head.

There's no cure that I know.

Afraid. Bitter. Cold.
It lurks in the shadows of every passing minute
waking or sleep.

Traces of it hidden in everything I touch
or taste
or feel.

Accents hidden in every word.

Not a passionate hate.
Frozen.
Apathetic.

After years of black fire
burning slowly in my soul
only embers remain
glowing softly.

A tired hate.

Thursday

I've done this before,
this pretending.
Smiling when inside I'm screaming
Skipping when inside I'm falling.

Last time I thought the problem
was you. Uncaring
as you were when I cried
as you were when i bled.

Now perhaps the blame lies
with me. Unable
to be fast enough to thwart
to be strong enough to stop.

I'll do this again,
this pretending.
Going on until I slip,
bearing this until I die.

I am alone.



The things his return still can not fix
float
inside my mind
like clouds.
A background to the scene before me,
but not terribly
significant. Not unless
I let them anger
and the sky grows dark.

I can not let it rain today.

Nightmares

All I ever think about is Dying,
Whenever I stop thinking anymore,
In one way or another
That's much too far from brave.

The talking tried to keep it quiet,
swallowing it made me still,
but the soul only haunts me
when I can not turn away.

Kinsey Scale and Othier Things

So I took this test online, because I was reading about a controversy that was posed in ''The Intimate World of Abraham Lincoln'' (Free Press) recently by C.A. Tripp. He surmises "that Lincoln was a 5 (''predominately homosexual, but incidentally heterosexual'') on Kinsey's famous scale of sexual desire" (http://www.boston.com/news/globe/ideas/articles/2005/01/16/the_gay_lincoln_controversy/)

Anyway, I thought it might be interesting to see what I scored...

Klein Sexual Orientation Grid

I scored an average of 3.19

0

1

2

3

4

5

6

Heterosexual

Bisexual

Homosexual

Meaning

This result can also be related to the Kinsey Scale:


0 = exclusively heterosexual
1 = predominantly heterosexual, incidentally homosexual
2 = predominantly heterosexual, but more
than incidentally homosexual
3 = equally heterosexual and homosexual
4 = predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally
heterosexual
5 = predominantly homosexual, incidentally heterosexual
6 = exclusively homosexual

Summary

The idea of this excercise is to understand exactly how dynamic a person's sexual orientation can be, as well as how fluid it can be over a person's lifespan. While a person's number of actual homo/heterosexual encounters may be easy to categorize, their actual orientation may be completely different. Simple labels like "homosexual", "heterosexual", and "bisexual" need not be the only three options available to us.

The Multidimensional Scale of Sexuality

According to my answers, it is likely that I identify as
Heterosexual with some homosexuality
or equally,
Homosexual with some heterosexuality.

Complete set of results

Heterosexual with some homosexuality:		3
Homosexual with some heterosexuality:		3
Past homosexual, currently heterosexual:		2
Sequential bisexual:		2
Concurrent bisexual:		1
Homosexual:		1
Asexual:		0
Heterosexual:		0
Past heterosexual, currently homosexual:		0

Information

The Multidimensional Scale of Sexuality was devised by Larry Kurdek, B. Berkey and T. Perelman-Hall. It is an extension of the Klein Sexual Orientation Grid, recognising that sexual identities can change over time, people can identify with more than one sexual identity, and that asexuality is a valid sexual identity. The Multidimensional Scale of Sexuality was published in the "Journal of Homosexuality" in 1990.

Take the quiz

The Five Love Languages

My primary love language is probably
Physical Touch
with a secondary love language being
Quality Time.

Complete set of results

Physical Touch:		10
Quality Time:		8
Words of Affirmation:		8
Acts of Service:		4
Receiving Gifts:		0

Information

Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.

Take the quiz